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Entry tags:	feminism friday, femme, gender, lesbian, muslim women, queer

the truth about femmes...or we fuck with misogyny so it's just easier to ignore us
By fatima - Mirrored from Feministing
(I am thrilled to see someone speaking out about this, so brilliantly... right on, fatima)

http://community.feministing.com/2009/04/the-truth-about-femmesor-we-fu.html

the truth about femmes...or we fuck with misogyny so it's just easier to ignore us

i originally wrote this as a piece when me and couple other people in chicago were trying to start our own femme mafia (http://www.myspace.com/femmemafia). i thought it would be useful for people to ponder here at feministing as well, since i have seen some femme-bashing in some of the comment threads. i hope this can open up your minds to what a queer femme identity looks like.

on any given night, approximately 293584577432 hot queer women of all shapes and sizes, races, ethnicities, ages, religions, abilities venture into their local queer bars in search of a good flirt, fuck, or maybe even someone to fall in love with. they wear dresses, lipstick, long hair, and heels. they are outgoing and shy, the most dominant of tops and the most submissive of bottoms. they are funny, brilliant, and friendly. one thing is for sure and that is that they are HOT. and yet so many complain that no one approached them, that no one even saw them, and that everyone assumed they were straight. because queer femmes are largely ignored by the 'mainstream' queer community. the fact that they are even separate from the 'mainstream' just shows how fucked the whole thing is anyways. because that means that they are the 'other' and that the 'mainstream' are the people who look stereotypically gay.

okay so i like to wear lacy bras and undies. i live in dresses. hot pink lipstick makes my lips look amazing. and i wear eyeshadow. i like to knit and i want to learn how to sew. when i have time, baking and cooking are actually fun for me. all this and i love women. everything about them is beautiful to me. they make me excited about life and love and sex. i am femme and i am queer. if people can't see both of those things as being complementary to each other then it shows nothing more than their FEAR of the gender that i have chosen for myself.

that's where this problem of 'femme invisibility' lies. i'm not invisible. how can someone as outgoing, friendly, and hot (and obviously modest) as me be invisible? i know you all see me when i walk into a room, just as i know you all notice the other beautiful femmes when they strut into the bar, or party, or classroom, or whatever. but our existence is threatening to both patriarchy and to the queer community. we are definitely noticed but largely ignored.

the idea that femmes are not just defaulting to the gender that was assigned to them at birth is a scary one. first of all, this thinking completely ignores the experience sof femme trans women who totally fuck over the system by essentially saying 'hey, this femininity that is supposed to be so inferior? well, i am working it and i'm hot" same with women born women who choose to be femme. the statement we are making by choosing femininity is so fucking powerful and threatening to sexism that it scares even our fellow queers.

i know i probably don't have to convince most people who are reading this that patriarchy exists in our world...unless sarah palin picked this up in which case, i have a lot of other things to say. but it is really difficult to accept that misogyny is so deeply entrenched in our community of queers. everything femme must be thrown out the window along with everything straight...as if the two are one and the same. queer women are not legit unless they forego their feminine qualities because that is the way that we are 'supposed' to fuck with people's heads about gender. now, i have a lot of respect for all the butch dykes and trans men out there who are fucking with patriarchy and sexism and gender and heterosexism in their own ways. but the feeling is not always reciprocated. we femmes are seen as not wanting to look gay, as trying to hold on to straight privilege by appearing straight or by simply not being brave enough to step out of the gender that was assigned to (many but not all of) us at birth.

yeah i recognize my privilege. when i'm walking down the street by myself, i am not afraid that i am going to harassed based on my queerness. but when im walking down the street with my girlfriend, who is also one of us who doesn't 'look gay', we can't avoid sexual remarks. femme on femme action is the straight male's ultimate fantasy and we are living it every day. when they see us holding hands or being all cutesy and mushy and gross, they feel entitled to let us know how it turns them on. the sex we have with each other is exploited on grand scale and yet, our identities are not even considered legit within our own communities.

can you see why so many of us are pissed?

i know we aren't invisible. we are too beautiful to be invisible. we are the fantasies of so many...straight and queer alike. but we aren't weak. we are extremely powerful. we shatter traditional notions of what it means to be a girly girl. we fuck with people's ideas of femininity. we show the world that we CHOSE this for ourselves because femme is not inferior or something to rid ourselves or to be ashamed of. we are revolutionaries because we love being femme. and our love of femme culture scares even our fellow queers.

nope. we aren't invisible. but our presence is threatening and it easier to look away. because once everyone chooses to see us, they have to recognize the power of women, bio and trans, and the power of femininity. and so it's easier to pretend we don't exist. or that when you see us at the bar to assume that we are the straight ally friend. or to diss us on our gender by saying we are just taking the easy route.

so when feminists and queers decide that they are ready to really kick patriarchy in its privileged balls, of course we will need the genderqueer, androgynous, and butch people, but we will also need the people who adorn the lipstick, the heels, the push-up bras. open your eyes and truly see us. because we are femme and we are fierce.