Dear sister,
Thank you so much for writing to me, it means a lot that you reach out, I'm here for you (I feel guilty saying that because I missed noticing your mail for a week, but I promise to watch out more carefully from now on). I know what you're going through-- we all go through this-- this is totally normal for gay people. It's painful and seems difficult or impossible to deal with, it wounds and scars people's souls, and there's no good reason for it. It just isn't fair that we get treated this way.
Religious prohibitions on homosexuality are left over from ancient times when small communities needed all the reproduction they could get, and if someone didn't have a heterosexual relationship and make babies, from the community's point of view, it was seen as an evasion of people's duty to keep the population going. In the old days, a large proportion of children died before they grew up and needed to be replaced. It was a fear of communal annihilation staring everybody in the face, people lived in smaller communities back then and their survival wasn't guaranteed unless they kept popping out a lot of babies. That's what the homophobia is all about. Fear. A prehistoric fear whose origin has long since been forgotten.
Nowadays the world has an enormous population, and humans have become hugely successful at survival, what with much higher yields of agriculture and prevention of diseases. We don't need to force everybody to reproduce any more. But religion has a way of getting a grip on people, and it has a way of keeping old stuff like this fear going long after the original reason for it is obsolete.
The result is the fear and hatred that oppress us just for being the way Allah created us. It's senseless and unjust to do this harm to people who never did any harm to anyone. The guilt that gets pounded into us... honey, although I came out and became an activist for LGBT rights, I still have to deal with the guilt my family pounded into me. I got it growing up even when I didn't know what it was about, I had such fear since I was a girl that I hid it all from even myself. So when I came out, my whole family rejected me. It took me a long time and a lot of work to be able to let go of them, and although it's better now, I still have these issues to deal with. It helps talking to people who remind me that there is no reason for this guilt, that those who put this guilt on us are wrong.
They're just plain wrong. We can't let them do this to us. We have to be strong within ourselves. It helps to talk it over with others, because like you said, if you had a gay brother or sister you'd have no problem with them. You could even reassure them there's no reason for guilt. So it's really important for us to support one another. If it helps you any to talk with me or anyone, please pass it along and help other LGBT people you see suffering. Individually, it's so hard to stand up to all the pressure and hatred and guilt, it can crush us. But when we support one another, we become so much stronger.
Sister, believe me, it can get better for you, it will get better for you, no matter how dark and gloomy this time gets, the truth sets us free. What oppresses you and me is falsehood, and Allah says truth always smashes falsehood. Falsehood can look scary but it's weak. Truth may seem dim and far-off sometimes, but it's always the strongest thing there is. The truth is, you are innocent, you do not deserve this guilt. Visualize yourself shaking it off. It doesn't stick to you. It's a product of unreality. The reality is you're a beautiful, caring, loving sister who has so much to offer. Allah created you good with great potential to bring love into the world and help make it a better place. No one can take this gift away from you. You have the right to be who you are, because when you're true to yourself is how you can bring good into the world. If family or community tries to force you to be false to who you are, don't obey them, don't listen to them. This guilt is harmful and destroys lives. Don't let them do that to you. Allah created you for all the good in life. There is so much love and beauty and joy to be found when you're healthy and whole within yourself. Believe you have the power to be happy and healthy, you have the right to be the whole person who you are.
Those of us who come out maybe had to pay a price, the loss of family and community, but your true family is the people who care about you, you have a community of LGBT sisters and brothers to support you and care about you. Sister, what you get by being true to yourself is so much greater than what you give up. So much richer and rewarding. You can live a beautiful life and bring love and beauty to the world around you when you start by being true to yourself.
Please gather a support network around you. Please find LGBT support services in the area where you live, and make contact. That's one of the most beautiful things I've found, queer people understand one another and are great at supporting one another. Within the LGBT community there's so much love and caring to be found. And healing. We've all been wounded this way, so we understand how to help each other heal. Just like you reached out to me in e-mail, which is great that you did, please reach out to LGBT support groups near you. It makes such a huge difference in a person's life.
You're welcome to write to me any time, I'm here for you, but I'm just one woman, write to the other sisters in our Lesbian Muslims group too, we're all here to support each other. You don't have to go to really dark places in the group like you did with me privately, but just drop a line and say hey you know this is rough and I need some support. It's one thing our people do so well. :)
Let me know how you're doing, I see you strong, healed, and joyful in your life ahead of you. I'm holding you in the light.
Love,
Jannah