Τό γυναικεῖον τῆς Ὑπατίας - An Áit Bhanda na Hypatia - Hypatia's Gynaeceum

One word that could summarize my spiritual path as a queer woman is edgewalking. I'm not afraid to cross forbidden boundaries of consciousness. Authoritarian religions once intimidated me into avoidance, but I've shaken off their restrictions on freedom of consciousness. It was the direct access to my queer consciousness that taught me the value of edgewalking, which had so often been trashed by authoritarian religions and held in little value.

I am wondering if the ability to repeatedly accept radical consciousness expansion into new areas of experience (like Shakespeare said, "poets, madmen, and lovers") is reflected in the brain's neurology. Childhood learning forms certain neural pathways to facilitate thought along certain lines that tend to remain fixed in adulthood. Those of us who are not bound to rigid ideologies but stay fluid and open in consciousness like children may have a wider variety of neural pathways set up.

In preparing material for a possible Queer Spirit workshop, I've been reflecting on how the experience of living queer can open a person's consciousness to edgewalking, shamanism, magick. Also, recent scientific discoveries have shown that gay, lesbian, and transgender people have neural structures corresponding to these types of queerness. Queer spiritual tradition is my central concern... but I would also be interested in finding out whether the structure of my brain corresponds to not only my queer identity but my generally unconventional modes of thought in all areas of life. My embrace of shamanistic magick, which feels so natural and appropriate a response to existence.

I know what it's like to be the weird one in the family. I'm notorious. However, my gay cousin is absolutely normal...

I used to have a theory that I'm some sort of mutant because I was born in the late 1950s, right after there had been aboveground nuclear bomb tests, and radioactive fallout circled the globe.

I am constantly accused of being a sexist man-hater every time I try to discuss my difficulties with masculinity. I swear I am not out to bash men, and my ability to relate to men has improved a lot since I've been working on this. But if I can't find a way to discuss my problems with masculinity openly and respectfully, how am I supposed to work through the problems? Are we supposed to pretend that relations between the genders are problem free? Or there would be no problems if it weren't for those damn "feminazis"?

It has taken 33 years before I could deal with the fact that I was raped repeatedly when I was 13, immediately went into denial about it, and did not even realize I was in denial about it for over 30 years. This must have influenced how I relate with males, I don't like to imagine what resentment must have festered in the darkness for all that time, and now I want to be free of whatever negative effects this had. I have to bring it to the light to detox it, sorry it ain't pretty.

I was always bullied and beaten up for being gender-nonconformist from childhood in a cultural environment that heavily enforced stereotypical gender roles (Catholic Ohio 40 years ago). If today I'm a defiantly liberated lipstick feminist getting up people's noses, well pardon my issues.

I'm always caught between the Scylla of strong women who speak out against injustice and the Charybdis of a discourse that doesn't want uppity women to have a voice. Let alone mutant freaks like me.



om krim Kaliye namah